6 weeks!

I cant believe that Lachlan is already 6 weeks old! Its amazing how much he has grown - even just in the last two weeks.

Around 3-4 weeks he started having violent crying fits where he would lose his voice and sound like a motor going bad. We took him in about a week and a half ago because he had some yellow/green discharge from his eye and it was swollen and red. It turns out that he had an eye infection so we got some ointment and treated that. While we were at the doctor, he had one of his crying fits and the doctor mentioned "colic" one too many times for comfort. She asked us about his fits and I talked about his issues with his stomach - painful burping and diarrhea and she suggested that we switch him to Isomil formula.

We put him on the soy formula and it seemed to help right off the bat. Fast forward a few days and he started having a lot of issues going to the bathroom. He would push and push (going red in the face and crying) and nothing would come out. Eventually, he pushed out a small hard turd. Then he started puking as well and spitting up quite a bit of formula after each feeding. Poor little guy. So, we took him back to the doctor to address the "colic", his constipation and the spitting up/puking. The doctor that we normally see suggested that we take him off the soy formula and try Nutramigen. He said that we should see a drastic change within 48 hours and if not, to discontinue use, go back to the Similac Sensitive and fill an rx for acid reflux. So, we are at the 48 hour mark and while has improved somewhat we dont think that it is a drastic enough change so we are going to go back to the Similac Sensitive. We're really hoping he can stay on the Similac because the Nutramigen is SO expensive, like, it would cost us over $100 a week. Uhm, we can't afford that. So, we will see how it goes with the Sensitive formula and his rx for reflux. I just want him to be happy and to feel ok. It breaks my heart so bad when he arches his back and shoots his stiff legs out in pain. Most of the time I break down and cry. I just feel like such a failure when I can't do anything to console him or make him feel better. He weighed 8lbs 12oz at his visit.. almost 9 pounds but not quite there.. a couple more pounds and he should be able to fit into his one size cloth diapers.

I had my 6 week checkup the other day and also got my IUD in (no more babies for me for awhile!). During my visit they were asking me about breastfeeding. I informed her how I stopped breastfeeding because my supply just kept decreasing and decreasing and he would pull off not wanting to eat.. I knew this would happen eventually but it was pretty heartbreaking when it happened. She asked how I felt about discontinuing the breastfeeding and I broke down crying. I guess maybe I just didn't have any kind of closure with it and part of me feels like he needs it/wants it/misses it.. but I know that he doesn't know the difference of getting it or not. But, it still hurts. I wanted to breastfeed so bad and I feel so defeated and feel like I gave up and maybe I could have done something else to make it happen. My midwife assured me that there was likely nothing else that I could've done and that I tried my best. She suggested that perhaps I could just let him suckle and be a human pacifier. She said that it could provide comfort for both of us and that it may give me the appropriate closure. So, I may try that. She also suggested maybe I go to a support group to get the support that I need.

One other issue that I am really struggling with is my body. I got SO many stretch marks during pregnancy. I wish I was exaggerating when I said that it looks like a tiger attacked my stomach and scratched it. But, its true. In addition, I have the fat pouch that hangs there. I guess I thought the weight would come off easier and I would be able to fit into my prepregnancy pants by now. But, truth is, I am still wearing maternity clothes. I have always struggled with how I look and have battled with my image. Well, now I would give anything to look like I did before I got pregnant. :( I know that it will likely come off eventually but I will never look like I did before. I have regret not appreciating the body I had. So, maybe that is a sign that I should embrace my body as it is now because it could be worse. My 30th birthday is in July, on the 25th, so my goal is to lose 25 pounds by then.. 25 by the 25th.. has a ring to it, no?! I need to start working out.. even if its just walking a couple or few miles a day. I think it will help my emotional well being as well.. newbowns are stressful.

We're really struggling with finding daycare/care for Lachlan for when I return to work. I swear I have looked since I was about 3 months pregnant. It has become a full time job and I end up empty handed by the end of the day. We have interviewed two different women for his care and the one was a definite no and the other was a maybe. We will likely end up using her. I wish we could find someone closer or on a more convenient commute detour. I am sure something will work out, I just hate the uncertainty.

We leave next week for Canada. I am excited but nervous for the trip. I am just really hoping that he doesn't have one of his fits on the plane. His swing has become our savior. It is one of the only things that can calm him and even that isn't always a guarantee. So, sans swing, I hope we can manage both on the plane and throughout our visit.

Lachlan has discovered his hands and likes to grab onto things - like my shirt while he is eating, or the canopy over his bassinet when you try to take him out. He is also starting to coo and it is super adorable. He is definitely smiling now and will often imitate your facial expressions. He is about out of his newborn sized clothes now. He is a skinny little runt and does not fit into any of his pants in the waist but fits into them length-wise. By the time he fits into his 0-3 month clothes in the waist they will be highwaters!

Enjoy the video of him that I took this afternoon with our new Flip cam :) I will take a lot more videos to share with you guys. I am hoping to find someone to come photograph our family. We can take pictures of each other and of Lachlan but we want someone to photograph all three of us. I want to do it before he gets too big... and well, again once he is big(ger).

Well, I think that about does it. Life is splendid with Lachlan, he really is great even when he is throwing fits. :P

One Month

Dear Lachlan,

You're one month old and what a busy month of growing and developing it has been. It seems like just yesterday that we were in the hospital about to give birth to you. I remember the first few days seemed to go by so slow and I felt like life was at a standstill. How quickly that all changed. I can't believe that you are already a month old and how much you've grown and changed within that month.

When the pediatricians were doing your exam in the hospital, they were saying how strong your back and neck were as you were able to completely lift your chest off of their hands and hold your head up. They thought this was pretty remarkable for a 2 day old baby. That neck has proven to be very strong indeed. When we do skin to skin or tummy time you are sure to lift your neck right off the surface and look around. When you were 3 weeks and 1 day, we were doing tummy time and you rolled over! Thinking that this was a fluke, we tried again and you did it another 3 times. Grammie and aunt Katie were here to see and they were so excited to see it. Of course, I cried, feeling like you were growing up so fast before my eyes.

We started out the month with some excellent sleeping. You were doing so well and a couple times we got a 5 hour stretch. Beings you gained your birth weight at your two week appointment, the pediatrician said that we could stop waking you to eat. We were so excited that you were a good sleeper. We spoke too soon! You like to wake up every hour to three hours to eat and sometimes you like to stay awake for a couple hours. We're pretty convinced that you've taken over after daddy and his appetite. You sure do like to eat. You're up to eating 3 ounces after breastfeeding. I'm pretty sure that you're not eating a lot from breastfeeding so 3 ounces is probably all that you're eating.

You've had a pretty busy month with meeting people. You've met both your grandma, grandpa, grammie and aunt Katie. In a couple weeks we will be introducing you to "world travel" and will be traveling to Canada for the first time so that you can meet grampie, uncle Tim, aunt Jordyn and the rest of daddy's family! It should be an adventure. Hopefully sooner than later we can make a trip to Iowa so that you can meet uncle Jeremy and the rest of mommy's family, too.

You've had a couple growth spurts (that we can tell of anyway) where you were pretty irritable, eating ALL THE TIME and sleepy. Some mornings we get you up and swear that you grew over night. You are already looking like a big boy to mommy and daddy. You're a skinny little guy. Even the infant prefolds we bought for you are a little too big so we've been using disposables and you've grown from newborn to size 1. We're adding to our collection of one size diapers and are hoping once you're big enough, they work out for you.

This past month has gone by so fast. I've been horrible at writing more often about your developments like I did when you were still growing in my belly. Speaking of, sometimes when I am out and about I still rub my tummy like I did when you were in there growing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning laying there expecting to feel your kicks or hiccups. I miss that. While I am so thankful and happy that you're here, pregnancy is an amazing thing and I miss being able to experience that. While I worried about you while you were still growing in utero, I worry even more now. When you first arrived I sometimes cried saying that I wish you were still in utero as it was so much easier that way and I didn't have to worry about you as much. I didn't have to worry about your hurting, being sad or hungry and was able to protect you on a much larger level. However, one thing that I think is pretty neat is the hiccups. You get them just as often now as you did before!

I will do better with writing from here on out. This first month has been understandably busy and we are all on a huge learning curve.

Its been such a great month and such an amazingly awesome life changing experience meeting you. We can't wait to see what kind of person you grow up to be. I can't wait to see all your changes over the next month. I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you. I am so thankful to have you and feel so lucky to be your mommy.

xo,

Mommy

Breastfeeding.

One of the first challenges I faced after bringing Lachlan home from the hospital was breastfeeding. When Lachlan first came into this world, he was alert and sucking the air for food. In fact, he even had "suck blisters" on his arm from sucking on his arm in utero. These were for sure signs that we were going to have a great breastfeeding relationship.

I do not remember ever seeing anyone in my immediate or extended family breastfeed and because of this, it was a foreign idea and I figured that the whole idea would weird me out and I would not be comfortable, nor confident in feeding my child this way. Although I felt this way, when I pictured myself as a mother and feeding, it was always through breast, never a bottle. To me, breastfeeding was the only way - why give your child something other than what is natural and the best? I would breastfeed until he was at least 12 months old.

As I am learning with this whole process, things don't always go as planned and the level of control you think you'll have isn't always what you think. Sometimes, no matter how much you want something or how much you know it is right, it doesn't make a difference.

Becuase I had the issues with my placenta, I was unable to immediately breastfeed Lachie. I think it was probably an hour or so after he came out that we were first able to have that bond. All of my preconceived ideas of breastfeeding not feeling natural to me were thrown out the window the first time he latched. It was an amazing feeling to know that I was able to feed my child with my body. In the hospital, once latched, he was really great about staying on, but liked to nap while eating. After just one evening of breastfeeding, I woke up the next day with bruises around my nipples and scabs on my nipples. I spoke with various lactation consultants while in the hospital for the 48+ hours that I was there. They helped me with latching since we were obviously having issues in that department. They taught me how to keep him awake since he often liked to nap while "at the dinner table." Although I hurt like no other and curling my toes when he latched was an understatement, I was committed to continuing and breastfed every 2 hours or more while in the hospital. I was sure to wake him up so that we could get on a good schedule. The lactation consultants constantly tried expressing milk (or colostrum) from my breasts while I was in the hospital. Other than one drip the day I left, we were unsuccessful in expressing anything. I feel like at that point, I could sense the worry in the lactation consultants. They began to ask me questions about changes to my breasts while pregnant, and to be honest, other than growing a tiny bit, I did not have any changes.

To encourage Lachlan to suck and send signals to my body to create milk, they put a drop of formula on my nipple to encourage him to suck. The way he went at the formula worried me that he was not getting anything. No matter how long he was at the breast, he would come off sucking my arm, sucking the air, and screaming for his dear life.

When we got home from the hospital, the constant sucking continued. I was constantly feeding him because he always seemed to be hungry. This was emotionally and mentally exhausting for me. Bringing home a baby and the sleep deprivation is bad enough, but when you throw in a baby that seems to be starving, it became unbearable for me. No matter how long he was at the breast (like in the hospital) he would continue to suckle and cry. Some sessions were an hour or more and he was still unsatisfied. This broke my heart. Because we were constantly feeding (and likely still working on our latch) my nipples were extremely sore. I cried and cried through every feeding. I knew that the stress was not encouraging proper production but I was in pain, and my child was "starving."

We went for a check up at the pediatrician (you know, the routine first visit within x days of coming home from the hospital) and found out that Lachlan had lost 9% of his body weight at only 3 days old. A lot of people say that this is normal and that it is what to be expected, but when you've already been doubting your ability to successful feed your child, it is very discouraging. We explained our concerns to our pediatrician and asked what our options were. He was very encouraging of breastfeeding and said we could try topping off feedings with formula. He made it very clear that we needed to breastfeed FIRST and then we could offer him formula until he seemed satisfied. We tried it when we got home and he was a completely different baby within minutes.

The feelings that surfaced when I saw him find great satisfaction in the bottle were overwhelming. I had a great sense of jealousy and guilt. I felt defeated. I felt like the biggest failure of a mother. But, I also felt like I wasn't doing enough and that I couldn't give up. I reached out to everyone I knew that could help me. I started with friends and through that, found both empathy and even more guilt for doing what I was doing. It is hard to feel like you are doing the best thing for your child and what you need to do and be told you're doing it wrong. But, its nice hearing that others experienced what you are going through and that they resorted to the same answers and had success.

After feeding Lachlan through a syringe because of all the criticism I received for introducing a bottle, I called my Bradley teacher who is a lactation consultant. Well, Morgan called her because I couldn't stop crying enough to call her myself. I spoke with her for at least an hour and a half and followed the tips that she gave me, which included continuing the formula feedings (after breastfeeding) but to make sure I am pumping close to 10 times a day. I did just that.

After being close to a week since giving birth, feeling even more defeated when I could only pump one drop from each breast, I called the lactation consultants at the hospital for help. I ended up meeting with a consultant there and they had me pump through a hospital grade pump thinking that it would help. We did a weigh-in before and after his feedings and realized that he was receiving absolutely nothing from either breast. Devastating. I was understandably upset and crying but she made me feel a little better by reassuring me that I am doing the right thing - first and foremost, my child needs to be fed. If formula is the only way that he can be fed for now, then that is what it is. She encouraged me to continue breastfeeding before offering formula and gave me information of a free support group where they do weigh-ins and help with any issues that you are having. As well, the midwives decided to do labwork to see if my thyroid levels were off to see if that is what was causing my lack (or absence) of supply.

I went to the support group. It wasn't fun being the only woman crying in front of a group of women but I was there to get the help I needed, so whatever it took. I fed him and they weighed him and once again confirmed that he was getting close to nothing from either breast. I believe he gained like 2 grams from one breast and 0 grams from the other. I spent a couple hours talking to a consultant after they realized that he was not receiving milk. They encouraged me to pump at the group. I did. I produced almost 2 ounces after 30+ minutes of pumping. I've never been so proud of my body. I felt so motivated to keep going. I insisted to Morgan that I needed to rent a hospital grade pump so that I could continue to pump and encourage my supply. So, we did that. As well, I spoke with Lachlan's pediatrician (who I love, btw) and he suggested that I take Fenugreek to try to increase my supply. I went out and bought tea to drink. Later, I bought the capsules to take as well.

I went back the next week to do a weigh-in before and after feeding and once again, he received close to nothing. They had suggested using a shield, both to aid in him sucking and receiving milk and for relief for me. But again, no success. I sat there giving my screaming baby a bottle of formula while everyone else went up to do a weigh-in, finding out they had successful sessions and their baby received ounces within two 10 minute sessions. While it was discouraging and I was close to throwing in the towel, I told myself that I couldn't give up. I cried the whole way home.

I've continued, since that day, to breastfeed and to pump. Some days I am able to produce 2-4 ounces a day, sometimes I produce .5 ounces throughout the day. I give him whatever expressed milk I am able to pump.

It's been a really difficult battle with many days spent crying. But, I will continue to feed him in the way that I can. While I have dealt with many negative feelings and feeling like a failure, my child is happy. My child is fed. My child is going to be JUST fine even if he receives formula. I am not feeding my child poison, I am doing the best that I can. If I am never able to exclusively breastfeed like I dream about, then I can't. If I can only breastfeed for another day, then that's all I can do. Supposedly only a small percentage of women are unable to breastfeed - unable to produce milk. Maybe I am a part of that small percentage and maybe I am not. Maybe I messed it up by supplementing with formula early on. But, I am a mother. The most important thing to me is that my child is healthy, fed and happy. In that sense, I've been a successful mother. I've done what I can do. I haven't given up. I am doing the best with the cards I have been dealt. Maybe I'll never be a part of an elite exclusively breastfeeding crew. I'll never be able to say that my child was never given a drop of formula. But, dammit, I've done a good job; I haven't given up when others would have.

I continue to do what is best for MY child and MY situation. While the breast is best, sometimes the best is not an option, and unfortunately, exclusively breast is not an option for me. I will be just fine. My child will be just fine. I did not fail as a mother. What is natural to most, isn't natural to all. Unfortunately, I am one of those. But, instead of continuing to dwell on what may never be, I will keep on trucking and continue to be a mother to my happy and fed child, and that is all ever anyone could expect.. myself included.

Some may be able to take away my pride and confidence, but no one can take away my efforts and the amount of "the best" I've been able to provide. I cherish every moment we are able to bond through breastfeeding as I know that it may be the last. While I dread that day and cry at the thought, I am thankful for every new feeding we share.

The Journey of Lachlan

The Arrival of Lachlan Alexander

I've been dreaming about writing my birth story for the last 9 months and now that I sit here ready to document one of the greatest moments of my life, I struggle at remembering all the little details and describing the intense emotions I hoped to have in my story.

I woke up Tuesday, January 25th at 5am feeling like perhaps I had wet myself. I continued to have a leak and when Morgan woke up, I told him that my water may have broke, but that there is a chance that I was just peeing myself. I called my midwife asking for advice and she said to hang out awhile and that it was likely my membranes that had ruptured. She said that I should start feeling contractions sometime within 12 hours from the time they ruptured. She said if I needed to, I could come in to have them test my fluids to see if it was indeed my amniotic fluid or that I could wait it out and come in around 4pm, which was approx 12 hours from when my waters broke, to see if a) I was starting to have contractions and go into labor on my own or b) test my fluids if I was not in labor.

We sat around the house all day hoping that contractions would start on their own so that I would not have to be induced with Pitocin. In the sense that I was anxiously awaiting for contractions, time went by so slow that day.. but it also seemed like my time to go into labor was quickly passing me by. 330 pm came around and I wasn't having any worthwhile contractions so we finalized our bags and headed off to the hospital not knowing what to expect.

We went to the 4th floor which is the triage/high risk floor and we waited for Anne to come into the room. She came in and explained that there were a series of tests that she would do to determine whether my fluids were from my waters breaking. She started with a physical exam where she looked at my cervix to see if she could see any pooling and the testing basically stopped there. Just by looking, she knew that my waters had ruptured. All I could do at that point is take a deep breath. She did the other exams as well and they confirmed what she already knew - I was going to have a baby. I started crying and expressed my concern and worry to her that my birth plan and my vision of welcoming my son into this world was crushed. I was terrified of Pitocin and have read my fair share of horror stories on what being induced can do to your body and your overall labor experience. She talked me through my worries and said that all we can really do is wait and see how my body takes to the Pitocin.

We packed up our belongings and were taken to our room, room 513 and it hit me like a wall of brick. Holy crap, this was really happening, by the time I left that room, I would have a baby in my arms. We sat on the couch in the room and it was obvious that both Morgan and I were nervous and anxious for what was to come. Anne said that she wanted me to have some dinner before they started my Pitocin so I ordered some "room service" and ate some french toast, turkey sausage and strawberries.

I finished my dinner and we waited for Anne to finish delivering another baby before starting my Pitocin. I laid there in the bed anticipating what was to come for at least an hour before 7:25 hit when they started my Pitocin.

So, at 7:25 p.m. they started my Pitocin. We didn't have arrangements for pet care if I were to actually be in labor, so Morgan left to pick up our friend Timmy to take to our house to watch the animals. We figured that things would progress really slowly so it was no big deal to have him leave and come back. He got back to the hospital around 8:30 or 8:45 and I told him that I had only had a few minor contractions but that they just felt menstrual-like. By 9:30 p.m. I was in pain. I went to pee and sitting on the toilet hurt so bad. I came out and the nurse was in the room and she asked how I was doing and I told her that I was in pain and that it hurt. She told me that I couldn't say that yet and that this was nothing and kept telling me that if I wanted to go natural like I mentioned, this couldn't be hurting me yet. My hopes were crushed. I sat there in the rocking chair rocking through my contractions crying because I figured there was no way I was going to be able to handle the pain of REAL contractions if what I was feeling was nothing. The look on Morgan's face when she was telling me this was priceless. You could tell her how bad he wanted to tell her to shut up and leave because she was doing nothing but discouraging me.

From about 9:30 to 11:30 I sat in a rocking chair rocking vigorously while crying and breathing through my contractions eating orange Popsicles and drinking water. Morgan suggested that we try a couple different positions since I seemed to be in great discomfort while rocking. Other than standing and basically slow dancing with Morgan, no other position seemed to help.

Around 11:30, Anne suggested they check me for dilation and that we get into the bathtub to see how I like being in the water and if it relived some of the discomfort I was experiencing. Anne never did tell me how far dilated I was and in the moment I was thankful for that. I sat on the toilet while they filled up the bath tub and my contractions really kicked in and I was really starting to feel horrible pain.

So, around 11:30 p.m., I got into the bath tub and my first thought was that the contractions weren't nearly as bad as they were out of the water. This thought lasted through about 2-3 contractions, which were about 2 minutes apart. At this point, I really started to doubt that I was going to make it without medication. I breathed, screamed and cried through my contractions. Morgan sat by my side through the whole thing pouring warm water on me and holding a cold wash cloth on my forehead because I felt like I was overheating. My fingers started to tingle and go numb and I thought I was going to die. I started telling Morgan that I didn't think that I was going to be able to make it. Telling him that I didn't think I was going to be able to do it quickly turned into telling him that I was not going to be able to do it and that I just wanted to get the epidural. Morgan politely ignored my statements that I wanted the epidural in a way to push me through one contraction at a time.

Eventually, around 12:30 a.m., I told him that I do want the epidural and to go ask the nurse how far dilated I was. He went out and asked her and came back in and after a few contractions, I asked how far dilated I was. FOUR centimeters. Really? My world crashed. He said that I was 4cm, 100% effaced and at 0 station. After hearing that news, I told him that I really couldn't do it and to have them call in the epidural. He asked whether or not I was really sure and after I told him yes, he went out and they called in the anesthesiologist. Anne came into the room and talked to me and told me that it was my labor and that if I really want an epidural that she would support that but asked if she could check me again.. she told me to let her know when my contraction ended so she could check my progress. At that point, I couldn't tell whether or not my contractions were even ending as they felt on top of each other and I had no real break in between. While the pain during contractions was excruciating, I was still feeling a great amount of pain in between.

So, she checked me and said that I was at 7.5 cm. Now, that's some progress. In about an hour, I went from a 4 to 7.5. She told me that she wanted me to give her 10 more minutes to see if something happens and if after 10 minutes I really can't make it, she would tell the anesthesiologist, who was waiting in my room, that I was ready for the epidural. I snapped at her and told her that I was going to make no progress within 10 minutes. She insisted that 10 minutes would make a difference. Somehow, I found the strength in me to make it through 5-6 more contractions. She said she wanted to check me again and at that point I was a 9.5. So, that meant that I progressed a whole 2 cm within 10 minutes. At that point, she said that we were going to have the baby right there in the bath tub. Gulp.

Within minutes of her telling me that, I felt an incredible amount of pressure and told her that I needed to push. She felt confident that my body was ready for me to push. The pushing was horrible and I wondered if I was even going to be able to make it through. I remember thinking that I wished they would just take me out of the tub and do a c-section so I didn't have to worry about pushing him out. After just a few pushes she said that he was right there and that she could see his hair. My first question was whether or not he had red hair! When he started crowning, Morgan started crying and I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that it was almost over.

I continued to push for 15 minutes and his body was in the water at 1:14 a.m. on January 26. He had his cord wrapped around his neck twice and just when I started to panic, the cord was released and his squirming and screaming warm body was laying on my chest. He opened his eyes within the first minute or two and remained alert throughout the rest of the labor. I will never forget how wide eyed he was and how his eyed moved around looking at everything around him - it was one of the most amazing moments of my life. All Morgan could do was cry and tell me how proud he was of me and thanked me for bringing me him into the world the way that I was able to.

I don't think I have ever been as proud of myself as I was the moment he was placed into my arms. While I give myself credit for what I was able to do, I know that without Morgan by my side, I wouldn't have been able to do it. As well, with Anne telling me to give her 10 more minutes, that gave me that last ounce of strength I had left to push and hang in there.

After his birth, we had to deliver the placenta. Anne told me that this was the easy part and it would be like pushing a piece of jello out. I had to get out of the water to deliver the placenta. I laid on the hospital bed with Lachlan in my arms while he made sucking motions (he was so ready to eat at only a couple minutes out) pushing to get the placenta out. After a few pushes, I realized that we were not making any progress. We keep trying and Anne eventually told me that I had a retained placenta and they were going to have to call in the chief physician to manually remove the placenta. They said that if they were unable to manually remove the placenta I would need to have a DNC (surgery) to remove it. With luck, they were able to manually remove the placenta. I will leave out the gorey details, but as Morgan explained it, they were savages, and that may be an understatement. The removal of the placenta was easily worse than any part of the labor and pushing.

More than anything, if we go through pregnancy and labor again, I will be most scared for delivering the placenta. While the agony and pain of labor was pretty horrendous, at being almost a month out and being as in love with Lachlan as I am, I've forgotten the intensity but feel as though I will never forget how I felt when they were removing the placenta.

When they got the placenta out, they were inspecting it (which I guess is normal) and Anne said that the placenta was very "tough" and small and it was likely a good thing that I had been taking baby aspirin throughout my pregnancy. She also said that it is likely the cause of all of my abnormal lab results as well. Who would've thought? Either way, I am glad that although my placenta seemed to be "defective" that it was able to provide life to my son for 39 weeks and 5 days.

While my pregnancy may have seemed rough and proved to provide some hurdles along the way; in the end I got what I wished for, a perfect and healthy baby boy. I've learned so much about my body, myself and Morgan throughout the last 10 months. I've put myself to the ultimate test and was able to succeed and persevere through one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life. Miracles do happen and what a miracle Lachlan is.

See you soon.

No longer a mommy to be,

xo, mommy.

39 weeks preggo.

Really?!

Hard to believe that I am now 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I am definitely starting to reach the anxious stage and believing that I am going to be pregnant forever. I feel like at this point I have convinced myself that I will never have this baby so I am less prepared now than I was before.

I had two nights this last week where I woke up with painful contractions lasting about 5-6 hours at 3 minutes apart. Both nights I thought "this is it" but obviously it wasn't. Both nights the contractions were worse while laying down and would go away a little bit when I would stand up and walk around. I was just waiting for the moment where I couldn't talk through them or walk through them before going in to the hospital. But, I never reached that point. I had decided that I should just take maternity leave early because I figured a) labor was coming soon and b) I became so unreliable at work with calling in all the time. But, on Wednesday night started to doubt my decision and wondered if I would regret my decision if he decided to come late and I missed out on a couple weeks with him. So, Thursday morning I went back to work. I am glad I went back since he is not here yet. I'll be the first to admit that it is a struggle to work at this point in pregnancy, but it is what it is!

I've been struggling with a bad cold this last week. It is finally starting to fade away. I was worried that I would be trying to have a baby while not being able to swallow or breathe through my nose.

At my appointment on Friday I asked to be checked because I was so sure that after two nights of horrible contractions, I would've made some promising progress. What a let down. She said that I was the same as far as dilation and had gone from 60 to 70% effaced. I thought for sure I would be at least a 3. But, I just need to remember that dilation and effacement are not predictors of labor.. just disappointing to go through all that with no progress, it is discouraging and makes me doubt that my body is going to labor correctly. She swept my membranes to try to help ripen my cervix. We'll see if it was successful at my next appointment. I hear mixed outcomes.

I've definitely become pretty pessimistic over the last week or two. I hate feeling this way but it is hard to keep my chin up at this point in the game.

I am anxious, nervous and excited to meet our son. I am feeling the same way towards labor as well. I am also anxious, nervous, excited and sad to not be pregnant anymore. I worry that I am going to struggle with not having him inside me anymore and miss that connection and bond that only he and I share. I worry about the first few nights. I worry about how good or bad of a mother I will be. I worry about failing at breast feeding. I worry about being able to bond with him. I worry about his health. I worry about my own health. I worry about Morgan's happiness once there is an addition to our lives. I worry about my body post baby. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind these days and feel like I am struggling with a lot. But, I think and hope that this is all normal.

Kind of a negative post tonight but I don't think I am the first woman to be a couple days away from giving birth and not feeling frustrated, nervous and anxious.

Guess we will see what happens over the next week. I hope to not have a "40 weeks preggo" post next Sunday as that will mean I am 2 days overdue! :) Could happen tonight, could happen 2 weeks from now.

See you next week?

xo, mommy to be.

38 weeks preggo.

Still here, still pregnant!

As I type, I am bouncing and rolling around on my exercise/birthing ball hoping that it is effective and I roll into labor tonight! How nice it would be to get off work tomorrow.. I am so over working at this point.

For the most part, we had a pretty uneventful week. However, on Tuesday, I was working and looked up and I couldn't see very well. The wording on my computer screen was all jumbled and when I tried talking to people, I couldn't see their face, it was just like a black blur. Immediately I thought of preeclampsia. I went to lay down in our little lounge area at work and then later got a headache and started sweating a bit. Janine called Morgan to pick me up and I called the midwife and she asked that I come in to be seen. My blood pressure was high (compared to what mine usually is) so they drew blood and did a urine dip test to see if I was excreting protein into my urine. There as no protein within the sample I gave but she wanted to do a 24 hour collection of urine as she said that it doesn't always come out with every sample and this way, they could monitor what I was excreting over 24 hours. So, I left with a clear bag with a piss tray and a gallon jug to empty my urine in. Real pleasant! I stayed home the next day and did my collection and rested so my bp stayed down (hi, work stresses me out these days!). Thursday morning we went in to give them my urine and had my weekly appointment instead of waiting until the next day.

We signed our consent form and put down the deposit for the birthing tub. I hope that all remains well so that I can have the opportunity to do a water birth if I want to. I've been watching water births on youtube and it has been pretty inspiring. I feel like I am more confident than ever that I will be able to handle the birthing process unmedicated. But, if I don't, I don't, but hope and think I can.

Not much else to report. I am getting pretty anxious and would welcome his arrival any time now. I'd really like to go into labor and have him before we have any company so that we can get into our routine and schedule and get situated before we have visitors. I feel like it will reduce stress if we can settle on our own - and well, adjust the animals to the new member of our family.

I bought another diaper bag this week. Hopefully this one works out better than the other. Guess it won't hurt to have two, right? I think I deserve to have two diaper bags.. :)

Well, Time to do more bouncing and rolling and hope for the best... 12 more days!

See you next week.

xo, mommy to be.