The First Four Months

Four Months

Dear Lachlan,

About a year ago, we found out some news that was going to change our lives forever. Little did we know how great that change we be. On May 22, 2010, we found out that we had an addition to our family. I remember some of my initial thoughts that included excitement, anxiety, fear and an instant connection. We had a rough road for the first little while so while that made it harder to connect with you while you were growing, but there was an instant connection and bond that existed for me. Now, we're at the end of May and that little blur on the ultrasound measuring .64cm long at 5 weeks gestation is now close to 25 inches long and 4 months old!

We've had some big changes this month! One of the biggest was we broke your swaddle. Every morning when we'd come in to tend to your growling belly, you'd have your arms completely out of the swaddle. One night, around 3.5 months, you fell asleep while getting your bottle and we decided to just put your to bed without it. We had been talking about stopping but didn't know when the time would be right. It just seemed right that night. So, you're on 2 weeks now with no swaddle. It is harder to get you to fall asleep at night but you're still doing a fairly good job of sleeping through the night. Sometimes you wake up around midnight but after a short rocking, you're fast asleep. You usually sleep from around 7:30/8:00 - 5:00/5:30. Sometimes we have to stand next to your crib for awhile with our hand on your belly so that you feel safe and secure. We bought you a "blankey" and you pull it up to your face and hold it while falling asleep. I figured holding a blankey would give you the security like being wrapped up like a burrito did. Sometimes I miss the swaddle but you were ready to let it go.

You've really discovered your hands and you are able to grab any and every thing now. Before, you went at things with a fist but you go at things with an open hand and usually pull whatever it is that you re holding, up to your mouth to suck on.. including our hands! You're still very keen on sucking your fingers, sometimes all 4 at once. You pull your paci out of your mouth and try to get it back in, usually without success. You've also discovered your feet and like to grab them and hold them. For some reason, you like to put your legs in a pike position and almost do a half v-up by lifting your stiff legs in the air.

We decided to switch your daycare due to some reason I'd rather not blast all over the Internet but first and foremost, we would like to have daycare closer to home. We found a new daycare that is only 7 blocks away and were able to avoid the wait list that they now have. We are really excited about the new daycare and hope that it works out well. It was a very emotional decision for me. I worry about you and people knowing you and what you like and dislike, how to help you when you re crying and how to get you to sleep. I worry that you won't transition well and you'll develop stranger anxiety and be scared to be left with people you don't know. I guess it is better to switch now that you are 4 months old rather than waiting until you are 6 months or 9 months when you know the difference. I really, really hope it works out. It will make me feel so much better leaving you.

I still struggle with leaving you and some mornings I just snuggle with you on the couch and wish time would stand still so I could hold you in my arms while you either stare at me or fall fast asleep. I still rush home with excitement to see your little face.

You go to the doctor on June 9 to get your 4 month vaccinations and your overall well baby visit. I am anxious to see how tall you are and how much you weigh. You're still a skinny little thing and you still fit into pants that are 0-3 months in the waist but they tend to be too short. You've outgrown some of your 0-3 month clothes and it looks like its time for me to pack up more clothes! I feel like I just packed up your newborn clothes a week ago! Time goes by too fast.

Part of the time I am back wishing that I could freeze time and keep you young and small. I do feel like time is going by too fast and we are going to look back and feel like it was forever ago since you were a little baby. However, I do love seeing you grow and develop and get excited for the next new thing. I ordered your high chair last night and it made me sad to think that you're that big of a boy now. We will probably start some cereal before the next time I post at 5 months. I have mixed feelings about starting the cereal now or waiting until you're older. However, we will likely start some solids once we get the OK at your well baby visit. I am excited to start experimenting with foods when I start making your food. I hope that is one thing that I really do stick with because I think it would be best for you. It might just come down to whether or not I have time with working full time and going to school on top of being the best mommy I can be.

You've really started talking (or cooing!) and sometimes it sounds like you're saying words although we know you're not. It's just funny when we ask you a question and we get a "yea" response. You're starting to enjoy tummy time a little more than before but end up rolling over to your back within a couple minutes. I am excited that you tolerate it a little more and don't just put your head down and cry anymore. Sometimes when you're laying on your back, you get really excited and roll from side to side leaving me excited that you're going to roll over on your tummy. You still have to roll from back to front but it will be an exciting time when you do! I think I am okay with you being immobile while being on your back :)

You're still going to the chiropractor but are up to only going once a month. You're doing pretty well with the crankiness and only really get cranky if you're tired, lonely and want to be held, or are constipated.

I still feel like the luckiest mommy ever to have you as my son. I look at everything in a different way now that I have you as my son. The happy times in life are happier and the sad times in life aren't as sad. Its so nice to have another great reason to be alive and living a great life. You're turning into such a special guy, I can't wait to see what the next month of life brings. I feel so blessed.

xo,

Mommy

Three Months

Dear Lachlan,

Here we are at our three month check-in. :)

You've grown and developed so much in the last month - don't I always say that? You've really started to coo this month and have continued with repeating sounds that daddy and I make. You really like the "whooooo" (like an owl!) sound and your newest love is when we snort at you. Recently, you've realized that you like it when I sing "one two, buckle my shoe" and I can see that little tongue in your mouth moving around as if you're trying to make out the words with me. You're finding out what your hands can do and like to try to grab at things (although you tend to go at things with a fist) and you hold on to things like rattles, the toys that hang on your play mat, and of course, my hair! As well, you've found out that water can splash and really had a blast at your last bath kicking and punching the water, splashing me in the face! It seems as though you are starting to put your hands and arms out as if you're hinting that you want to be picked up, we will stay tuned to see if this is a new development or just a fluke! You're pretty fascinated with putting your fists in your mouth. You're really trying to find that little thumb of yours but you keep tucking it in your hand so instead of just your thumb going in your mouth, your entire hand does. However, the other morning we heard you on the monitor squirming and fussing a little bit so I went to make you a bottle and next thing we heard was a sucking noise through the monitor.. when I went in, you had just your thumb in your mouth and you looked oh so content sucking away at that little thumb! As well, you're really into your tongue and like to stick it out a lot.

We had Easter together on Sunday. In your basket you got new pacifiers, a teething toy, a skull print cloth diaper and a book called "Love You Forever." Obviously you were real thrilled about your Easter basket and getting 100 pictures taken of you. Next year will be more fun!

A few big changes this month is that you started daycare and I returned to work. I was nauseous and literally sick a few days before I went back to work. Your first day to daycare was on April 18, you went for a half day and did well! Of course, I cried the whole 4 hours, not including the time before we dropped you off, and watched the clock waiting for it to be time for us to come pick you up. You went half days on Tuesday and Wednesday that week but went for a full day on Thursday and Friday. So far, you've been a pretty happy guy when we pick you up but you get tired pretty quick when we get home, leaving you cranky and ready for bed at an early hour. I am thankful that we trust Sharon and that I do not have to worry about you while I am away. One good thing about doing daycare is that you're on somewhat of a schedule now which is a bit of a relief. The last couple nights, you've slept from 8/8:30p - 5:30a without waking up! How nice that has been for all of us! We just need to work on your daytime napping but I know that it will come with time. You still enjoy taking cat naps here and there, hopefully before long we can push them all into one or two long naps during the day, it will make everyone involved feel better :)

You've started squealing a little bit as well which may or may not be laughs! The other day we were in Target and you were doing this high pitched squeal after making noises and we were standing in the aisle laughing at you; totally looking like new parents that are completely smitten with our baby (which we are!). You're developing quite a cute personality as well; you turn with your head to the side when you laugh looking quite bashful.

One major thing to note is that we've taken you to a chiropractor for your colic. I'm not sure if I have mentioned that in a previous blog entry or not but it has been like night and day. I heard from a few people that it can make quite a difference on colic babies so I figured it was worth a try. It has been a miracle. Ever since we took you there, you've slept at least 6 hours in your first stretch of sleep for the night and you rarely have fits anymore. You're fussy every now and then, but that is how babies are! As well, the amount of spit up/vomiting has greatly reduced as well to be at a normal level. You've gone around 5 or 6 times now and the last time we went, you didn't even cry. I can tell that you're a lot more comfortable now, which makes me happy. :)

Being back at work is really rough and I think about you close to every 5 minutes during the day. I have pictures of you to my right and both on my desk and a bookshelf that faces me. I do have to say that I find more motivation throughout my day as I just want to crank my work out so I can get out of here to come see you. Getting off work and having the weekend have a whole new meaning to me now. I still struggle with feeling guilty leaving you and "living my life" while you sit at daycare, but unfortunately I don't have the option of staying home, at least for now.. maybe some day. And as well, I struggle with missing you but I am pretty sure that will never end. It makes me sad to think of all the time and things I am going to miss out on but I am also thankful to just be able to get what time I do get with you as you're a pretty special little guy.

I am also doing better this month than last and the first with you growing up. I think for awhile I struggled thinking that I was only able to see you for a short amount of time and that would be the end of our time together. I am so excited to see you grow up. I am so excited to see what you do tomorrow, next week, next month and next year! I can't say it enough (and as cheesy as it is) of how thankful I am to be your mommy and to have you in my life. I look at everything in a whole new way and I have opened my eyes and see things in a completely different perspective now that you're along for the ride with us. The amount of love I have for you is just amazing.

I am so excited to see what this next month brings. You bring such joy to our lives and we're the luckiest people ever to have you in our lives.

xo,

mommy

10 weeks!

Time is flying by. I can't believe that I have less than two weeks before I return to work. What a devastating day that will be. I have serious anxiety when I think about it. While I enjoy my job for the most part, I'd rather another job; caring for my son full-time.

We went to Iowa together last week. It was a pretty good trip. Frontier was EXCELLENT and very accommodating to me traveling alone with an infant. They made arrangements so that I could have him with me in his car seat for both of my long flights and the flight attendants were very nice. As well, I went over on my luggage weight limit and they let it fly (literally) rather than charge me for an extra bag or an over limit fee. Lachie traveled very well on the way there other than a little fussiness from Milwaukee to Madison. He had a rough first day in Iowa and threw quite a few fits. I was running on only 3.5 hours of sleep so when he threw a fit at my aunt and uncles house (and ended up leaving sweaty in only a diaper) and a few others when we got to my parents' house, I broke down and cried. It was hard being away from Morgan as we hardly ever spend nights away from each bother. He slept well for me each night which was a relief!

After returning home, he went back to not sleeping very well. I would say he is back to sleeping about as well as he did when he was a newborn.. aka not very well. He has also been very fussy since we returned home. I really worry about him and worry that he is in pain. The way that he looks at me in the eyes while screaming with tears coming out of his eyes breaks my heart. I wish there was something we could do for his colic or whatever it is that is bothering him. We are going to see a chiropractor tomorrow to see if they can do anything for him. I've heard that chiropractors can work wonders for colic and reflux and I believe he suffers from both. I understand that babies cry and babies are fussy, but I just think he should be able to spend time awake during the day without crying. I feel like he spends less and less time happy throughout the day. It's funny that I read the happiest baby on the block book and feel like I ended up with the unhappiest baby on the block! It is hard for me and I feel like I am unable to make him happy.

We purchased a used "Rock 'n Play" sleeper to see if that will help him sleep better at night. It has stellar reviews so we will see. He is currently sleeping in it for the first time at night. We tried using the generic version of his formula from Target and it ended up leaving him horribly constipated. I don't really understand how it would make a difference since it is supposedly the same exact thing (according to our ped, anyway).

Lachie has really started smiling and laughing (without sound, anyway) and loves when you talk to him. He likes to imitate your sounds and really enjoys when you repeat the sounds back to him. He is also gaining a lot of neck strength and if you're holding on to his hands when he is laying down, he tries to pull himself up to a sitting position.

One thing that I noticed while traveling with him (both to Canada and Iowa) is that I am so self conscious and embarrassed (if that is the right word) to give him formula. I constantly feel like everyone is judging me as a horrible mother when I whip out the formula mix and shake up the bottle. Maybe people are.. it wouldn't surprise me. It's amazing that I am still not over this whole breast feeding thing. I wish others could understand where I am coming from and/or how much I wanted to be able to breastfeed.

Lately I have been thinking about baby names which is just ridiculous. Obviously we're not going to be getting pregnant anytime soon but I guess the "fever" never really goes away. Even when Lachie is having a meltdown it never takes my vision of a bigger family away.

However, I have been struggling lately. I don't know if I am just tired or what but I feel like my level of patience has decreased dramatically. I find myself crying a lot more when I am stressed and just feeling overwhelmed when he is screaming in my face. I think I have shed tears every day for the last week or so. I hope that I am just in a rough phase and that this is not a sign of a decline in my mood. I really just want Lachie to be happy. Morgan got a temporary job working 6p - 4a so I have been feeling the additional responsibility. I end up putting Lachie to bed and dealing with him during his worst hours of the day and waking up with him and of course caring for him during the day (with help for a few hours!). It is hard, especially when he is screaming. I do have an enormous amount of respect for single mommies, or those with traveling husbands.

Well, I think that is about it. Lachie is starting to stir so I am sure I will be going in to comfort him in a few minutes. :)

Two Months

Dear Lachlan,

You're two months old today! I feel like just last week I was taking your one month photos and writing my monthly blog update. How time flies.

We've had a busy month. I suppose the thing that stands out most is your first plane ride and first trip outside of the country! We flew to Canada on March 15th and came back home on March 22. We flew from Denver to Montreal and Montreal to Halifax. When we arrived in Montreal, we were supposed to fly to Toronto and then to Halifax, but a nice Frenchman saw that you were with us and changed our flight so that we did not have to take two more flights to get to Halifax. What a nice guy! You did amazingly well on the way to Montreal and slept the entire way from Montreal to Halifax. I was really nervous about the whole flight experience, but it was better than expected. We flew from Halifax to Newark and Newark to Denver. The flight from Halifax to Newark went well, it was nice and short. We didn't have much time in Newark before our long flight to Denver. The flight from Newark to Denver was just over 4 hours. There were a few moments where you were getting restless (but so were mom and dad), but other than that, it was a good experience as well.

While we were in Canada you met your grampie, uncle Tim, aunt Jordyn, your great aunts and great grandmother. It was a great trip. We had you sleeping in a pack and play and you didn't enjoy that too much so you ended up with us in the morning. We tried keeping you on the same time schedule as we have here in Denver so you went to bed late, around 11-12 and woke up around 9 or 10a. You stayed with grammie and grampie a couple times while we ran errands or went out. When we went out to have a couple drinks and see a band play, I thought about you every 5 minutes and felt like a part of me was missing. I know it is good for me to get used to spending time away from you since I am returning to work in *gulp* 3 weeks.

Speaking of which, we found a daycare for you. I had been stressing out over finding someone wonderful for you. Every person we met rubbed me the wrong way and I shed more than a couple tears at the thought of leaving you (I still do), but I feel somewhat ok with leaving you with Sharon. She is a grandma and her husband is retired so they're both there during the day. They're a licensed daycare and live out in Westminster so we're going to have a bit of a commute, but it is worth it. We figured we were either going to sacrifice a good commute or good care and obviously we'd rather have great care and a not so great commute. I think since I return to work on a Tuesday, I am going to take you for a half day on Monday so that I am not as much of a wreck on my first day back (even though I know I still will).

As far as your changes this month, you have quite a few! First, you have eyebrows and eyelashes now and you were lucky to get your dad's eyelashes.. feminine and long! We haven't figured out if you have my or dad's eyebrows, but I am hoping for dad's as mine can be a little ridiculous when they're not plucked.. and I would imagine that plucking won't be on your daily routine! As well, your head strength has increased quite a bit. When your head tips, you are able to pull it back up straight and when we burp you, unless you're tired and way to lay your head down, you keep your head up and look around. You still hate tummy time and have only rolled over a couple times since your amazing accomplishment at 3.5 weeks. When we put you on your tummy, you whine and eventually cry. I worry that we don't do enough tummy time but you'll start to enjoy it when you're ready. You've also starting imitating us. We can look at you and go "oooh" and you will smile and repeat the sound. We can do this for 5 or more minutes and its ridiculously cute! Your favorite thing is your musical star that is on your play mat. Pretty much without fail, it can make you smile (and laugh - without sound!) and calm you when you're upset. We were sure to take it with us to Canada. The way you dance to the music makes us think that you're going to be a music lover and a musician. This wouldn't be surprising! You love your swing as well and can be completely content hanging out in there and more times than not, it puts you to sleep. One really neat thing is how you follow objects and people with your eyes. If someone is on your left side and walks around to the right side, you will follow them with your eyes.

We started you on a medicine for reflux. We're not sure whether or not it is even helping but we may give a little while longer. It tastes like crap but you don't really seem to mind. You have your 2 month appointment on Monday where you get your first round of vaccinations (I am terrified) so we will probably address the whole reflux thing there. We need to figure out something for your gas as it seems to really bother you. :(

When we arrived home from Canada, we started your cloth diapers. We bought some one size diapers with the money we received from great aunt Mary Ellen, great grandma (Nanny) and grammie and grampie to buy them. I am still mixed on the whole cloth diapering thing. It sure is a lot more convenient to use disposables but not feeling gel in your diaper when you are wet is nice. As well, knowing that we are being "green" helps as well. The daycare won't use cloth so you'll be wearing disposables during the week while you're at daycare. Some of the prints of the diapers are super cute!

Just you and I are headed to Iowa this coming week. I am pretty nervous about being a "single mom" for just short of a week and flying alone with you. But, I am sure that you will be wonderful and easy on me! I am excited for you to meet your uncle Jeremy and your great grandma.

During your first month, I would get really sad when thinking about you getting bigger and older. While I do enjoy you being small and young, I am starting to be able to look forward to your growth and developments. I realize now that I have so much time to spend with you and it makes me to grateful. I am so excited to see the person you grow up to be. You add so much happiness and warmth to our lives and I am so glad that you're mine and I get to see everything that you are and become. I am so lucky to be your mommy and have you as my son. The amount of love I have for you is indescribable. I did not have the slightest clue on how great it would feel being a mommy and the level of love and gratefulness that I would feel. While I will enjoy every minute that I have with you and enjoy you as a small little guy, I look forward to our future together and watching you grow and explore the life you have. You're seriously a special little guy and I couldn't ask for a more wonderful person to be my son.

xo,

mommy

6 weeks, getting jiggy wit'it

6 weeks!

I cant believe that Lachlan is already 6 weeks old! Its amazing how much he has grown - even just in the last two weeks.

Around 3-4 weeks he started having violent crying fits where he would lose his voice and sound like a motor going bad. We took him in about a week and a half ago because he had some yellow/green discharge from his eye and it was swollen and red. It turns out that he had an eye infection so we got some ointment and treated that. While we were at the doctor, he had one of his crying fits and the doctor mentioned "colic" one too many times for comfort. She asked us about his fits and I talked about his issues with his stomach - painful burping and diarrhea and she suggested that we switch him to Isomil formula.

We put him on the soy formula and it seemed to help right off the bat. Fast forward a few days and he started having a lot of issues going to the bathroom. He would push and push (going red in the face and crying) and nothing would come out. Eventually, he pushed out a small hard turd. Then he started puking as well and spitting up quite a bit of formula after each feeding. Poor little guy. So, we took him back to the doctor to address the "colic", his constipation and the spitting up/puking. The doctor that we normally see suggested that we take him off the soy formula and try Nutramigen. He said that we should see a drastic change within 48 hours and if not, to discontinue use, go back to the Similac Sensitive and fill an rx for acid reflux. So, we are at the 48 hour mark and while has improved somewhat we dont think that it is a drastic enough change so we are going to go back to the Similac Sensitive. We're really hoping he can stay on the Similac because the Nutramigen is SO expensive, like, it would cost us over $100 a week. Uhm, we can't afford that. So, we will see how it goes with the Sensitive formula and his rx for reflux. I just want him to be happy and to feel ok. It breaks my heart so bad when he arches his back and shoots his stiff legs out in pain. Most of the time I break down and cry. I just feel like such a failure when I can't do anything to console him or make him feel better. He weighed 8lbs 12oz at his visit.. almost 9 pounds but not quite there.. a couple more pounds and he should be able to fit into his one size cloth diapers.

I had my 6 week checkup the other day and also got my IUD in (no more babies for me for awhile!). During my visit they were asking me about breastfeeding. I informed her how I stopped breastfeeding because my supply just kept decreasing and decreasing and he would pull off not wanting to eat.. I knew this would happen eventually but it was pretty heartbreaking when it happened. She asked how I felt about discontinuing the breastfeeding and I broke down crying. I guess maybe I just didn't have any kind of closure with it and part of me feels like he needs it/wants it/misses it.. but I know that he doesn't know the difference of getting it or not. But, it still hurts. I wanted to breastfeed so bad and I feel so defeated and feel like I gave up and maybe I could have done something else to make it happen. My midwife assured me that there was likely nothing else that I could've done and that I tried my best. She suggested that perhaps I could just let him suckle and be a human pacifier. She said that it could provide comfort for both of us and that it may give me the appropriate closure. So, I may try that. She also suggested maybe I go to a support group to get the support that I need.

One other issue that I am really struggling with is my body. I got SO many stretch marks during pregnancy. I wish I was exaggerating when I said that it looks like a tiger attacked my stomach and scratched it. But, its true. In addition, I have the fat pouch that hangs there. I guess I thought the weight would come off easier and I would be able to fit into my prepregnancy pants by now. But, truth is, I am still wearing maternity clothes. I have always struggled with how I look and have battled with my image. Well, now I would give anything to look like I did before I got pregnant. :( I know that it will likely come off eventually but I will never look like I did before. I have regret not appreciating the body I had. So, maybe that is a sign that I should embrace my body as it is now because it could be worse. My 30th birthday is in July, on the 25th, so my goal is to lose 25 pounds by then.. 25 by the 25th.. has a ring to it, no?! I need to start working out.. even if its just walking a couple or few miles a day. I think it will help my emotional well being as well.. newbowns are stressful.

We're really struggling with finding daycare/care for Lachlan for when I return to work. I swear I have looked since I was about 3 months pregnant. It has become a full time job and I end up empty handed by the end of the day. We have interviewed two different women for his care and the one was a definite no and the other was a maybe. We will likely end up using her. I wish we could find someone closer or on a more convenient commute detour. I am sure something will work out, I just hate the uncertainty.

We leave next week for Canada. I am excited but nervous for the trip. I am just really hoping that he doesn't have one of his fits on the plane. His swing has become our savior. It is one of the only things that can calm him and even that isn't always a guarantee. So, sans swing, I hope we can manage both on the plane and throughout our visit.

Lachlan has discovered his hands and likes to grab onto things - like my shirt while he is eating, or the canopy over his bassinet when you try to take him out. He is also starting to coo and it is super adorable. He is definitely smiling now and will often imitate your facial expressions. He is about out of his newborn sized clothes now. He is a skinny little runt and does not fit into any of his pants in the waist but fits into them length-wise. By the time he fits into his 0-3 month clothes in the waist they will be highwaters!

Enjoy the video of him that I took this afternoon with our new Flip cam :) I will take a lot more videos to share with you guys. I am hoping to find someone to come photograph our family. We can take pictures of each other and of Lachlan but we want someone to photograph all three of us. I want to do it before he gets too big... and well, again once he is big(ger).

Well, I think that about does it. Life is splendid with Lachlan, he really is great even when he is throwing fits. :P