10 weeks!

Time is flying by. I can't believe that I have less than two weeks before I return to work. What a devastating day that will be. I have serious anxiety when I think about it. While I enjoy my job for the most part, I'd rather another job; caring for my son full-time.

We went to Iowa together last week. It was a pretty good trip. Frontier was EXCELLENT and very accommodating to me traveling alone with an infant. They made arrangements so that I could have him with me in his car seat for both of my long flights and the flight attendants were very nice. As well, I went over on my luggage weight limit and they let it fly (literally) rather than charge me for an extra bag or an over limit fee. Lachie traveled very well on the way there other than a little fussiness from Milwaukee to Madison. He had a rough first day in Iowa and threw quite a few fits. I was running on only 3.5 hours of sleep so when he threw a fit at my aunt and uncles house (and ended up leaving sweaty in only a diaper) and a few others when we got to my parents' house, I broke down and cried. It was hard being away from Morgan as we hardly ever spend nights away from each bother. He slept well for me each night which was a relief!

After returning home, he went back to not sleeping very well. I would say he is back to sleeping about as well as he did when he was a newborn.. aka not very well. He has also been very fussy since we returned home. I really worry about him and worry that he is in pain. The way that he looks at me in the eyes while screaming with tears coming out of his eyes breaks my heart. I wish there was something we could do for his colic or whatever it is that is bothering him. We are going to see a chiropractor tomorrow to see if they can do anything for him. I've heard that chiropractors can work wonders for colic and reflux and I believe he suffers from both. I understand that babies cry and babies are fussy, but I just think he should be able to spend time awake during the day without crying. I feel like he spends less and less time happy throughout the day. It's funny that I read the happiest baby on the block book and feel like I ended up with the unhappiest baby on the block! It is hard for me and I feel like I am unable to make him happy.

We purchased a used "Rock 'n Play" sleeper to see if that will help him sleep better at night. It has stellar reviews so we will see. He is currently sleeping in it for the first time at night. We tried using the generic version of his formula from Target and it ended up leaving him horribly constipated. I don't really understand how it would make a difference since it is supposedly the same exact thing (according to our ped, anyway).

Lachie has really started smiling and laughing (without sound, anyway) and loves when you talk to him. He likes to imitate your sounds and really enjoys when you repeat the sounds back to him. He is also gaining a lot of neck strength and if you're holding on to his hands when he is laying down, he tries to pull himself up to a sitting position.

One thing that I noticed while traveling with him (both to Canada and Iowa) is that I am so self conscious and embarrassed (if that is the right word) to give him formula. I constantly feel like everyone is judging me as a horrible mother when I whip out the formula mix and shake up the bottle. Maybe people are.. it wouldn't surprise me. It's amazing that I am still not over this whole breast feeding thing. I wish others could understand where I am coming from and/or how much I wanted to be able to breastfeed.

Lately I have been thinking about baby names which is just ridiculous. Obviously we're not going to be getting pregnant anytime soon but I guess the "fever" never really goes away. Even when Lachie is having a meltdown it never takes my vision of a bigger family away.

However, I have been struggling lately. I don't know if I am just tired or what but I feel like my level of patience has decreased dramatically. I find myself crying a lot more when I am stressed and just feeling overwhelmed when he is screaming in my face. I think I have shed tears every day for the last week or so. I hope that I am just in a rough phase and that this is not a sign of a decline in my mood. I really just want Lachie to be happy. Morgan got a temporary job working 6p - 4a so I have been feeling the additional responsibility. I end up putting Lachie to bed and dealing with him during his worst hours of the day and waking up with him and of course caring for him during the day (with help for a few hours!). It is hard, especially when he is screaming. I do have an enormous amount of respect for single mommies, or those with traveling husbands.

Well, I think that is about it. Lachie is starting to stir so I am sure I will be going in to comfort him in a few minutes. :)